Candy Canes
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: Perry, Phineas and Ferb are all excited for the holidays, especially since they can communicate via translator. Doofenshmirtz is forced to wear a noisy reindeer sweater while he waits for funds.
1. Chapter 1

"Perry's winter booties look so cute." Phineas said, watching as Perry chewed on his booties.

"He's just got to take a little time to get used to them." Linda said. "The vet said they might feel strange at first. Animals don't usually wear things on their feet."

Perry yanked hard on the front left foot bootie. It did not come off.

"He doesn't appear to be very fond of them." Ferb said.

"But they have little polar bears on them, Perry!" Phineas said.

Perry growled.

"He has to wear them." Linda said. "Otherwise his feet will get too cold."

Perry slammed his tail against the ground with displeasure.

"Who wants hot chocolate?" Linda asked.

"Ooh, me!" Phineas said.

Perry continued to try and dismantle his booties as the boys ran into the kitchen.

** ...**

"Hey!" Pinky the Chihuahua said. He pointed at an empty chair. "I saved you a seat. And got you some coffee."

"Great. Help me." Perry placed his front feet on the table. "I can't get these stupid bear boots off."

Pinky freed Perry's front paws and handed him the booties.

"Sorry, wasn't a long wait, was it?"

"Long wait for the coffee. The service at this coffee shop isn't so good."

"I gotta go shopping next week." Perry said. "It'll be Christmas soon. Well, not that soon. But in like five weeks or so. Who's counting, anyway…"

"Spending it at home?"

"Yep."

"Cool."

Perry took a sip of coffee and spit it out. "Ack! What did you order me? Essence a la Dirt?"

"Oh, sorry. I must have gotten ours mixed up." Pinky switched the mugs. "You had orange spice cream, right?"

"Thank you." Perry drank a little. "Much better. You didn't drink from this one, though, right?"

"No."

"Good. I hate germs."

"They're everywhere, you know."

"Shut up. I'm worried I won't be able to buy everyone presents. I don't have much money this month."

"You can always borrow some of mine."

"I'm not borrowing your money to buy Christmas presents."

"How many people do you have to get stuff for?"

Perry dug into his fur pocket and unrolled a list.

Pinky whistled.

"Yeah. And I can't cross anyone off. Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Linda, Lawrence, Blubbles, Doofenshmirtz, Carl, Monogram, you, Devon, Darren, Carrie, Peter, Alan, Herman, Trevor, Cecily, Erica-"

"Woah." Pinky said.

Perry stuck his list back in his pocket and shrugged. "Just like last year. I'll figure it out. Do you think I should get Phineas and Blubbles a list of names that do not contain the letter L?" Perry's watch beeped. "Oh, dang. I gotta go. Apparently Doofenshmirtz has just created a discoinator."

**...**

Phineas looked cranky when Perry returned home.

Actually, livid.

Ferb was doing pirouettes in the living room around a pile of tinsel. He was wearing the tree skirt.

Phineas was seated on the couch, staring straight ahead, fuming miserably. He looked like he wanted to melt the wall.

"He okay?" Perry asked pointing at Phineas.

Ferb shrugged and took a flying leap over a plastic Santa doll.

"We didn't get to put up the tree today." Phineas griped. "Mom said we could."

"There was an antique emergency at the shop and she can't get home until late." Ferb said.

"You can put up the tree tomorrow, Phinny." Perry said.

"I wanted to do it today."

"Your mom doesn't have to be here though, does she?"

"We decorate the tree all together."

"Ah." Perry said. "Did you guys build anything today?"

"We were gonna put together the tree." Phineas grumbled.

Perry patted him gently.

"Don't bother, he's as firm on this as he was on naming the goldfish." Ferb said.

"Why don't we watch a movie?" Perry asked.

"Gingershoes and Mistletoe Save Christmas?" Ferb asked.

"No. I hate that one."

"We can watch the lights on the Christmas tree. Oh wait, we don't have one yet." Phineas snapped.

"Dude, let it go." Ferb said.

Perry jumped into the tinsel and began rolling around in it.

"PHINEAS AND FERB!" Candace yelled from down the hall. "WHERE'S THE TINSEL?"

"Wrapped around Perry." Phineas said.

"Perrywinkle." Ferb said.

Perry growled.

Candace stormed into the room. "I need that pink tinsel for my Jeremy picture tree!"

"Get some at Jeremy-Mart." Perry retorted.

Candace yanked on the tinsel. Perry bit down on the other end and tugged, snorting and snarling happily.

"YOU… ARE… SO… ANNOYING!" Candace shouted.

Perry dug his claws into the carpet as Candace dragged him toward the stairwell.

"Hey, Ferb! I know what we should do." Phineas said. "We should cover the entire tri-state area in lights!"

Candace dropped her end of the tinsel, sending Perry rolling backwards. "Oh, no. NO NO NO. You are NOT going to… you wouldn't dare…"

"Our house will have giant lights shaped like Perry and Blubbles the goldfish on the roof." Phineas said. "And reindeer, of course. And Baljeet's house can have a light up A-plus! And Isabella's can have a menorah, and Buford's can have Biff, his goldfish- Biff will match with Blubbles. And who else are we friends with?"

"We can put light-up pictures of butts on Benny and Jack's houses." Ferb said. "Because they are butts."

"Yes, but that's not very festive, Ferb."

"We'll put Santa hats on top of the butts." Ferb said.

"Huh. Maybe. Or we could just not put lights on their houses because we don't like them."

"Butts would get the message across stronger." Ferb said.

"Were you dumped in the same river as Ned the narwhal was at birth?" Perry asked, shaking himself off.

"Perry, what should we put on Doofenshmirtz's-" Phineas stopped when Ferb kicked him.

"Why are you asking Perry?" Candace's eyes narrowed. "And who's Doofenshmutz?"

"No one. No reason." Phineas said quickly.

"I'm watching you." Candace warned. She snatched up the tinsel and stormed over to her room.

"Close call." Perry said. "And you should put lights shaped like him up. He'd like that. Or something that says 'EVIL' on it."

"I vaguely remember Doofenshmirtz." Phineas said. "Wasn't he the guy with one eye?"

"That was his second-dimension self. Our Doofenshmirtz has two eyes."

"Oh. I remember liking the two-eyed one better."

"Yes. He's much better."

"So we'll put two eyes on his building to commemorate that. And on the antique shop, we'll put a picture of Steve, our pet dinosaur."

"Why?"

"Because it'll be fun." Phineas said.

"Go ahead then."

"I'm happy." Phineas said. "Let's put some lights up now, Ferb."

Ferb and Phineas ran out of the room, leaving Perry alone with the decorations.

Perry found his squeaky reindeer toy in the box of decorations. He picked it up and began chewing on it.

He hoped the boys' electricity bill wouldn't come out of his savings.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop it! Perry the platypus, STOP IT!"

Doofenshmirtz had to yell at the top of his lungs to be heard over Perry's insanely high-pitched wail. Perry had been going at it for a full minute now.

It was the sort of sound that a platypus would only make in mortal danger, an almost human-sounding scream.

"STOOOPPPP!" Doofenshmirtz had his hands pressed over his ears. "OKAY, OKAY! I GIVE IN! WILL YOU…. STOP… JUST QUIT MAKING THE NOISE!"

"HAYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAA…"

"I KNOW YOU'RE JUST DOING IT TO ANNOY ME!"

Perry cranked up the volume.

"OKAY! OKAY! FINE! FINE!" Doofenshmirtz reached into his pocket and pulled out the key to Perry's trap. "THERE, THERE, WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?"

He unlocked the door. Perry abruptly stopped wailing and stepped out.

"Ugh, you are so ANNOYING sometimes." Doofenshmirtz grumbled. "You really push my buttons."

**...**

When Perry returned home, all he heard was shouting coming from the kitchen.

He noticed unfamiliar smells and for a moment wondered if he had entered the wrong house.

He went into the living room and found the boys playing with a puzzle, completely unconcerned about the apocalypse that seemed to be going on in the kitchen.

"Guys?"

Phineas looked up and smiled. "Hey, boy!"

Perry pointed in the general direction of the kitchen.

"Oh. Yeah. Candace forgot to watch for mom's teapot to whistle and it exploded. That's why it smells like burning stuff in here. Hey Ferb, which piece goes there?"

Ferb pointed at a puzzle piece with a sheep's hoof on it.

Phineas nodded. "I thought so."

"You guys want to go Christmas shopping together this Friday?"

"Huh. I dunno. Will it be fun?"

"Of course it'll be fun. Have you guys never gone Christmas shopping before?"

"Once I went Christmas shopping when I was a baby and I threw everything father put into the cart on the floor and when we got to the checkout line there was nothing in the cart and a lot of stuff in a trail on the floor." Ferb said.

"Once I went when I was a baby and I climbed up the mall Christmas tree." Phineas said.

"So you haven't been since?" Perry asked.

"Oh, no, we've been. Those were just the most interesting times we went." Phineas said.

**...**

"Whoops." Phineas said as a display of soaps came crashing down.

"That's the fourth display you've knocked over today." Perry sighed, restacking the Candy Cane Cinnamon soap bars onto the shelf.

"I can't help it. I slipped on the floor."

"You've got to be careful-" Perry looked up. Phineas was no longer listening to him.

"Oh, Perry, look!" Phineas dashed out of the store and ran across the mall to another one, sliding between shoppers.

"PHINNY!" Perry abandoned the soap display and tore after him. He found Phineas transfixed in front of a store window.

"Don't run off like that!" Perry scolded. "We could have gotten separated. This place is huge."

"It's perfect for Ferb." Phineas said, pointing up at a small electronic gadget. "It plays music, serves as a Swiss army knife, and can tell you the weather!"

"Why not just build him one of those?" Perry asked huffily.

"Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget I don't need to buy stuff. But it's fun to look."

"Don't ever run off like that again. Okay?" Perry said.

"Huh?" Phineas looked at Perry as though seeing him for the first time. "Oh, okay. Sorry."

Ferb approached them, holding at least twelve bags.

"What… how did you find all that? We haven't bought a single gift yet!" Phineas said.

Ferb shrugged.

**...**

Perry was practically falling asleep writing cards. At first they had been fun to write, but then he had gotten down to the cards he was sending to agents he barely knew.

"Dear Smyle the singing dog, happy holidays. Perry. Dear Cilantro the cockatoo, happy holidays. Perry. Dear that ocelot whose name I forget but I'm pretty sure is Oliver, happy holidays. Perry. Dear Yves the yak, happy holidays. Perry. ACK…" Perry dropped his pen and rubbed his fingers.

There was a knock on the door.

"Happy holidays." Perry muttered automatically.

Peter entered, holding a container of white cookies with sprinkles. He was eating some of them.

"I came to tell you who you have to Secret Santa for this year."

"Great, is it Smyle? Because I don't know enough about him to give him a legit sentimental holiday card. Or is it Yves? Or that guy I think is named Oliver?"

"Oliver? Do you mean Olive the ocelot?"

"Dang." Perry reached for the white-out. "I was close. What's in the bucket?"

"Animal crackers covered in white fudge and sprinkles. Want one?"

"I dunno. Sure." Perry took one and set it down on his desk. "So who am I Santa-ing for?"

"Edie the elephant."

"Good. I know her." Perry took a bite out of his cookie. "Woah. This thing is amazing."

Peter gave him a couple more.

"Put the lid on that container. I'm not gonna stop eating them otherwise."

Peter did so with a shrug. "How's Sneakers, by the way?"

"Cute, so far as I've heard. Prince took her to her uncle's for the holidays. Anything else you wanted to tell me? Because if not… it'd be good to get those cookies away from me before I take them by force."

"No. Happy holidays."

"Perry." Perry responded. He slapped himself in the face. "Sorry. Still in greeting card mode."

Peter left. Perry tried to figure out what to say in Teresa the toad's card.

The door swung open. Two beavers entered, side by side.

"Well, gosh darnit, Bobby Jane, we done found him." One of them said.

"Indeed we done, Johnny Sue. If ever a platypus were ever to be found, he'd be right more found than a haystack in a needle, sure as the rooster crows in the morning."

Perry sighed. "Guys? I'm working here."

"We done got a show deal, and we done wanted to share the news with you." Bobby Jane said.  
>"Seeing as you're the right first person whose life we done saved if ever there was one." Johnny Sue added.<p>

Bobby Jane held out a script in his paw. Perry took it and stared at it.

_**THE BOBBY JANE AND JOHNNY SUE SHOW**_

_**STARRING BOBBY JANE BEAVER AND JOHNNY SUE BEAVER**_

_(Pilot Episode)_  
><em>(BOBBY JANE walks into the living room of a suburban home, holding the newspaper. JOHNNY SUE is sitting on the couch eating pumpernickel bread)<em>  
><em>BOBBY JANE: Well by golly, Johnny Sue, why are you eating pumpernickel bread?<em>  
><em>JOHNNY SUE: Because it's right good, Bobby Jane.<em>  
><em>(Cue laughtrack)<em>  
><em>(Doorbell rings)<em>  
><em>BOBBY JANE: Now who could that there be? J. Sue, answer the door.<em>  
><em>(JOHNNY SUE does. It is the gang's needy neighbor, STANLEY JOE)<em>  
><em>STANLEY JOE: Bobby Jane, I need a cup of flour.<em>  
><em>JOHNNY SUE: Well by golly, Stanley Joe, you borrowed one yesterday!<em>  
><em>STANLEY JOE: I used it in a cake!<em>  
><em>BOBBY JANE: (Turns to the camera) Stanley Joe is a very needy man.<em>  
><em>(Cue laughtrack)<em>  
><em>JOHNNY SUE: So, why don't you come in and have a seat?<em>  
><em>STANLEY JOE: *Huffily* Because I just need a cup of flour!<em>  
><em>(Cue laughtrack)<em>  
><em>BOBBY JANE: By golly, you sure lose a lot of things. Flour, your legs, your wife…<em>  
><em>(Cue laughtrack)<em>  
><em>STANLEY JOE: I USED the flour, Bobby. <em>  
><em>(Cue laughtrack)<em>  
><em>STANLEY JOE: FORGET IT! I'm leaving. You can just get me the flour later.<em>  
><em>BOBBY JANE: By golly, Stanley Joe sure is needy.<em>  
><em>JOHNNY SUE: Sure as the cornfields in the west.<em>  
><em>(Cue laughtrack)<em>

_(Fade to black)_

Perry looked back up at the beavers. "That's… excellent. Your own show."

"It's right on at eight o' clock in them evenings." Johnny Sue said. "A right great darn show if there ever was one."

Perry made a mental note to leave the television off at eight. He handed the beavers their script. "Who's Stanley Joe?"

"That's one of our there cousins." Bobby Jane said.

"We have lots of them cousins." Johnny Sue said.

"Great. Well, I need to work." Perry ushered Bobby Jane and Johnny Sue to the door. "See you later."

"We done will sure visit again, sure as the sun rises in the sky." Said Bobby Jane.

**...**

"ALL AT ONCE ADRIAN, ISN'T SITTING DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU…"

"What's this movie?" Perry asked. On the television, a blond woman in leopard-print high heels and a matching dress was singing to a nerdy guy.

"Teeny Store of Terrors." Ferb said. "It's a musical about a nerd who buys a tree and it eats a doctor and a banker and then his girlfriend and then him."

"Is that his girlfriend?"

"Yeah, her name is Adelaide."

The nerd began to sing. "All at once Adrian, isn't sitting directly in front of you…"

"Why is he singing about himself?" Perry asked.

Ferb shrugged.

"What's the flower's name?"

"Adelaide the Second."

"So Adelaide the Second eats Adelaide?"

"Yep."

"Odd."

"Ferb!" Phineas came springing into the room. "It's tree time!"

Ferb pointed at the screen. Adelaide the Second had grown into a very big tree and was currently dining on Adelaide.

"No, we can decorate the tree now!" Phineas said. "Our Christmas tree!"

"Yes, let's do that." Perry said. "This movie is creeping me out."

**...**

Perry chewed on a tree branch.

Perry rolled around on the tree skirt.

Perry climbed up the tree.

"PHINEAS AND FERB!" Candace shouted for the eightieth time. "GET YOUR STUPID BRAINLESS PLATYPUS OFF OF THE TREE!"

"Aw, Candace." Phineas said, catching an ornament that Perry had knocked down. "He's just having fun."

"BUCKY never ruined our tree." Candace said.

A cloud drifted over Phineas's eyes for a moment, but then it vanished. "Hey Ferb, hand me an ornament."

Ferb handed him an ornament shaped like a horse. The horse had a decorative attachment around its tail.

"Look, Ferb! The pony has suspenders!" Phineas said.

The boys burst into laughter.

Perry chewed on an ornament.

Candace glared at all three of them as she hung a fairy ornament.


	3. Chapter 3

"Naturally Natural Shampoo." Phineas read. "100% Natural Guarantee."

Perry floated over to him and looked up at the bottle he was holding. "Yes, but is it naturally or artificially scented?"

"Mom got us this shampoo yesterday because it's healthier for us." Phineas said. He opened it up and squirted a little on his palm. It smelled like herbs.

"It looks like sparkly diarrhe-"

"I don't wanna know." Phineas rubbed it into his hair.

"You know what I like about baths? They're like swims in shallow ponds. But you can change the water temperature."

Phineas frowned. "You can change any water temperature."

"Well, not everyone is as scientifically powerful as you and Ferb are."

Phineas shrugged.

"Where is Ferb, by the way?"

"He went caroling with dad."

"They went caroling together?! Lawrence doesn't know ANY words to ANY song! And Ferb never talks!"

"Poor neighbors." Phineas said. "Especially since they're singing Jingle Bells."

Perry's eyes widened in fear.

"We won't worry about it." Phineas decided. He picked up a plastic bucket that was sitting on the edge of the tub, filled it with water, and doused himself.

Perry looked down at the water. "Should we be concerned? The Naturally Natural shampoo just turned the water brown. What's IN that stuff?"

"Hopefully nothing harmful." Phineas said. "But I'm kind of starting to miss the strawberry stuff."

"Is that what you had before? I always assumed you just smelled like strawberries."

"Phineas! Time to get out!" Linda called from the other room.

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I… I think the new shampoo is watching me."

"I'm pretty sure it blinked once or twice too." Perry said.

** ...**

"Jingle bells, jingle bells… la la la la laaaa…"

Perry smacked his tail against the ground. Doofenshmirtz still hadn't noticed his arrival.

"Oh what fun it is to ride, fa la la la la la, HA!" Doofenshmirtz whirled around, remote in hand. Perry was instantly trapped inside a plastic snowman.

Uncomfortable but not at all taken by surprise, Perry glared at his nemesis. Doofenshmirtz was wearing a very strange Christmas sweater with a reindeer on the front. It had a knitted mug of eggnog in its hoof. A speech bubble coming from the reindeer's mouth displayed the words "PAUL BUNYAN'S EGGNOG WEEK - FREE EGGNOG WITH THE PURCHASE OF ANY PANCAKES".

Perry found himself staring at it for longer than he intended to.

"Ugh, I know, right?" Doofenshmirtz grumbled. "I'm a little low on funds this week, so I figured I might as well get the free eggnog with my breakfast. And what do you know? If you order the eggnog, you get a free SWEATER. And you're supposed to wear it for the whole day if you want free breakfast for a week. At first I thought it would be an easy cash-saver, but this sweater's super annoying. Every five minutes it says-"

The reindeer's mouth began to glow. "ONLY SEVEN DAYS 'TILL CHRISTMAS! COME ON DOWN TO PAUL BUNYAN'S PANCAKE HOUSE! Where the food is good! But not too good, eh?"

Perry gave Doofenshmirtz a concerned look.

"I think I can make it another eight hours." Doofenshmirtz said wearily. "But in case I don't, I built THIS! THE EVERYTHINGISFREEINATOR! It will make Paul Bunyan's pancake house give out free meals no matter WHAT! And then I can make everything else free and get EVERY SINGLE ITEM IN THE TRI-STATE AREA!"

Perry hacked up a hairball.

Doofenshmirtz looked at it in disgust. "Okay, maybe not EVERY single item. I don't want a slimy ball of fur. Anyway! TREMBLE IN FEAR AT THE FREE-NESS I SHALL SOON EXPERIENCE!"

Doofenshmirtz pulled a lever, and a beam shot out.

Perry dug around in his pocket and found a small laser device. He burned his way out of the snowman and attacked Doofenshmirtz.

The everythingisfreeinator spun around and around, blasting in random directions…

** ...**

Perry sat on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate. The man with the hot chocolate stand down in Danville Park had spontaneously decided to give everyone free hot chocolate.

Phineas wandered into the living room, holding a spray bottle with a picture of a sparkling snowman on it.

"You have green in your hair." Perry observed.

Phineas nodded. "Ferb and I wanted to look more Christmasy for the holidays. So we got red and green temporary streaky stuff."

"If you wanted to be all Christmasy, all you guys had to do was stand directly next to each other. You naturally have red and green hair."

"No, I naturally have red hair."

"You both TOGETHER have naturally red and green hair."

"Oh. But what about when we're not together?"

"I don't believe I've ever witnessed that scenario."

"We also bought this sparkle stuff." Phineas said. "It's supposed to make your hair sparkly. But Ferb tried it and all it did was make his hair look wet."

"Give." Perry held out his hand.

Phineas handed him the bottle. Perry spritzed his palm and rubbed the liquid in. "Hm. You're right. Seems to have the same effect as hairspray, but without the stiffness. Maybe it just means your hair sparkles from the liquid droplets."

Phineas frowned. "Well, that would explain why the store guy gave it to us for free."

Perry shook the bottle wildly and tried again. "OH. There they go. You just needed to shake it beforehand." He handed it back to Phineas.

"Thanks, Perry!" Phineas sprayed Perry with the bottle.

Perry coughed. "Ack! What was that for?"

"Now you're sparkly!" Phineas said cheerfully. He skipped out of the room, spritzing anything he could.

Perry shook himself off. "Glad I could help."

** ...**

"What is that horrible noise?" Perry asked Devon.

All of the agents were in the O.W.C.A main room, decorating it for the Christmas party that would take place in a week. Devon was hanging a streamer.

"I think it's the agency band." Devon said. "They're trying to play Christmas carols."

"Saucy penguin's not a very good conductor. All the instruments are playing every note at once. Even the cymbal."

"He's out for the week, actually." Devon said. "I think Peter took over."

Perry took his hands away from the ladder he was holding for Devon and stormed out of the room.

He pushed the door to the music room open. Peter was standing on a podium, trying to conduct tons of animals.  
>"Wrong, wrong." Peter said. "Play that cymbal a little louder. Cecily, don't skimp on the tuba volume."<p>

"All wrong." Perry pushed Peter aside. "Look, guys. You aren't all supposed to be playing at once. Turn down the volume with the percussion, only play the way your music sheet tells you to, and try it again."

The agents began to play "Jingle Bells".

"So THAT'S what they were playing." Perry said. "I thought it was a strange variation of Davy Crockett."

"I'm not a very good conductor." Peter said.

"You're a great conductor. If you were trying to get them to play a strange variation of Davy Crockett." Perry left and returned to the main room.

Harry the husky was hanging pictures of baby agents on the walls. At first Perry thought they were pictures of the new recruits, but he recognized pictures of tadpole Ferdinand and baby Roscoe the rhino.

"Old photos?"

"I found them in Monogram's office." Harry said. "They'll make a cute decoration. Kind of like the new-year baby thing."

"This is a Christmas party."

"Well, the new year isn't too far off. Look, here's baby you." Harry held up a picture of baby Perry chewing on a teddy bear. "You were so cute!"

Perry shrugged. "Not really."

Harry pinned the picture up along with a photo of baby Peter. "I started with the new recruits and now I'm at the agents around your age."

"Let me know when you get to baby Ernest the eagle. I want to see if he had that I-hate-everyone look even at infancy."

Monogram came into the room and clapped his hands.

All the agents looked up.

"Attention! Come into the movie room. Carl has rented the famous Christmas movie, 'Fir Trees in France'. We have free hot chocolate for all agents! We watch this every year, so please join us!"

The new recruits scrambled past the other agents upon the mention of "free hot chocolate" and zoomed out of the room.

"Fir Trees in France?" Harry asked. "Isn't that movie rated PG-13 for slight nudity?"

"Yes, but it's only this one guy's butt. Monogram fast-forwards past that part every year. Have you never seen it at the agency?"

Harry shook his head. "I was always visiting my parents in Alaska."

"Come on. It's actually a really good movie. This guy moves to France and he doesn't believe in Santa but then this magical fir tree changes his life."

** ...**

The movie room was completely full of agents sitting on pillows. Peter the panda had brought his own memory-foam chair.

Monogram handed a mug of hot chocolate to Perry. "Good, you came. You weren't here last year. I put extra marshmallows on yours. Don't tell anyone."

"I'm sure they won't notice." Perry muttered. The marshmallows were already jumbo-sized, and Monogram had put so many on that Perry had to walk very slowly to keep the tower from toppling over.

Perry sat down on a green pillow next to Pinky.

"I love this movie." Pinky said.

"Same." Perry said.

The movie began. The new recruits cheered.

"This is the first time the little guys have ever seen this." Perry said.

"It's their first Christmas, too." Pinky said.

Perry smiled and stuffed a marshmallow in his mouth. "I remember being that little, watching this movie for the first time."

"I was your age when that happened."

"Let's stop age-reminiscing like old geezers and watch." Perry said.

"Hey, you brought it up."

Handsome movie actor Vance Ward was on the screen, staring out the window of a train. A road sign that said FRANCE passed by.

A ticket man walked up to Vance Ward. "What is your name, and may I see your ticket?"

"My name is Gerald Fruitshoe. I'm moving to France and I don't believe in Santa." Said Vance Ward.

** ...**

Perry had managed to eat all of his marshmallows fifteen minutes into the movie.

"The nudity scene is coming up." Pinky said. "And Monogram hasn't started fast-forwarding. Usually he does it at the part right when Vance Ward starts dancing."

"Maybe he's just…" Perry turned around to see Monogram reading a book and paying no attention to the movie.

"Uh-oh." Pinky said. "He forgot."

"New recruits scarred for life in 3… 2… 1…" Perry said.

The screen filled up completely with one of the actor's butts. Everyone fell silent.

Suddenly there was a stirring in the front of the theater. A shadow of a long point came onto the screen, followed by a round head.

Baby Ned was standing up.

Baby Ned lifted his fin, pointed at the screen, and opened his mouth.

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

The new recruits burst into laughter.

Monogram looked up in alarm at the sound of Ned's call. The scene had finished, and Vance Ward was back to dancing.

"Forgot to fast-forward." Monogram told Carl. He hid his face in his hands.


	4. Chapter 4

"This is so fun." Phineas said happily. "Isn't this fun, Ferb?"

Ferb nodded. He was coloring on his kid's menu.

"What are you drawing?" Phineas asked.

"Perry's winter booties."

Perry narrowed his eyes. Linda had realized his booties were no longer on his feet and had insisted on finding them and putting them back on. Luckily, she had decided that he only needed them on his back feet because he had fur on his front paws, so his hands were free.

"Thanks for taking us to get dinner." Phineas said.

"Welcome. How was your day?" Perry asked.

"Fun!" Phineas said. "We baked cookies and fudge and Ferb made snickerdoodles and I accidentally dropped all of the chocolate chips on the floor and one in Blubbles's tank and Blubbles ate it. And then we wrapped presents. We got the best present for you, Perry."

"Gosh… I completely forgot that it's…"

"ONLY THREE DAYS 'TILL CHRISTMAS! COME ON DOWN TO PAUL BUNYAN'S PANCAKE HOUSE! Where the food is good! But not too good, eh?"

Perry whirled around. Doofenshmirtz was staring angrily down at his sweater. He sat down in the booth behind them.

Ferb was trying hard not to laugh.

"He's still wearing that thing." Perry shook his head. "I wonder if he can get it off."

"I once got a sweater stuck on me." Phineas said.

"It wasn't triangle-head compatible." Ferb said.

"So how was YOUR day?" Phineas asked.

"Well, not much happened today. But a few days ago we watched 'Fir Trees in France'. It's a holiday tradition at the agency."

"I LOVE that movie!" Phineas said. "It's the one with Vance Ward!"

"And the part with the butt!" Ferb said.

"Yes… well, one of the new recruits decided to point that out. Usually Monogram fast-forwards past the butt part, but he forgot to and one of the new recruits stood up, pointed at the screen and shouted BUTT!"

Phineas and Ferb started laughing.

"Oh, and earlier Harry was putting up baby pictures of all the agents. Ernest looks so unlike himself."

"I bet your baby picture was the cutest one." Phineas said.

"I was just sitting there drooling on a blanket while chewing on a teddy bear. It was the picture Monogram took of me to hang in the O.W.C.A animal shelter to get people interested. Not exactly the most adorable picture in the world."

"Do you remember being a baby?" Phineas asked.

"Of course."

"I remember coming home for the first time… sorta." Phineas said. "I kind of remember Candace's face. It looked all fuzzy. What do you remember from being a baby, Ferb?"

"All of it." Ferb responded. "Want me to start from the very beginning?"

"NO, thank you." Perry said before Phineas could answer. "What are you guys going to order?"

"It all began in the darkness of-"

"After dinner, I'll treat you guys to ice cream. But then I have some last-minute shopping to do." Perry said quickly.

"When you come back home, can we watch a movie with you?" Phineas asked.

"Yeah, let's watch Harvey Porter and the Magician's Marble." Ferb said.

"Sure thing. If I'm not worn out from shopping. It's getting dark."

"And cold." Phineas said. "I'm gonna order hot food."

** ...**

"I'm getting that." Phineas said, pointing at a chocolate caramel sundae.

"Well, I'm getting this." Ferb pointed at a poster of a chocolate milkshake with hot fudge, crushed cookies, whipped cream, marshmallows and chocolate shavings.

"And my diet breathed its last…" Perry said. "I'll have the same thing."

Phineas told the lady at the counter of the ice cream shop what they wanted. She started getting their orders ready.

"We must be crazy, getting ice cream when it's so cold out." Perry said.

"Chilly chilly gumdrops." Phineas said.

"What?" Perry asked.

"He says that when things are cold." Ferb said.

The bells above the shop door tinkled. "Hey, Perry!"

Perry turned. "Pinky! Darren! What are you guys doing here?"

"Being as nutty as you are for getting ice cream." Darren said.

"We're going to do some shopping after. Join us?" Pinky asked.

"Sure."

"They can come too." Pinky pointed at the boys.

"Nope. They need to go home. I'm buying them stuff tonight."

"Did you hear that, Ferb?" Phineas nudged Ferb. "We're getting stuff for Christmas."

"Aw, dang. I thought we were getting _things_ for Christmas."

"Little jokers." Perry said.

The lady handed Phineas and Ferb their orders. Ferb gave Perry his shake.

"Well, we'll be going." Ferb said.

"Goodbye, duck. Goodbye, Isabella's dog." Phineas said.

** ...**

"So many different stores." Pinky said. "I'm never going to find what I need."

"What should I get the boys?" Perry asked. "I already got them a new set of tools and a blueprint journal. But I need individual gifts now…"

"Get Phineas a bouncy ball or something easily found on the street." Pinky said. "I always give Isabella bouncy balls for Hanukah. Of course, she thinks I'm a mindless dog, so that may not work in your situation."

"Wouldn't work at all. What are you getting for your owners, Darren?"

"I got Dinah a leaf and baby Elle a slightly smaller leaf. Ducks can't pull off gifts so well. So today I'm just shopping for the other agents."

"Books!" Perry pointed at a bookstore and looked in the window.

"We'll never get him away from that store." Darren said.

"No worries, I'm looking for Ferb. I don't see anything he doesn't have though…"

"OW!" Pinky shouted. "Don't nudge me so hard, Darren!"

"Perry, why don't you head on with Pinky? I'll be right back." Darren vanished into the bookstore.

"I wish he'd be less obvious." Perry said. "Now I know I'm getting a book for Christmas."

Pinky dragged Perry away from the store. "What store should we go to?"

"Maybe a clothing store for Candace?"

They walked toward a store with pink clothes.

"Looks like someone ate too much bubblegum and threw it up all over the store." Perry commented.

"The store is called 'Pinkingtons'." Pinky said.

"Great. I'll look around for Candace, and you look for Isabella."

** ...**

_"Thank you for shopping at Jeremy-Mart." Jeremy said. "A Jeremy will help you with your bags. Have a Jeremy day."_

_Jeremy picked up some bags and walked Perry out to his car._

"CHRISTMAS EEEVVVEEE!"

Perry woke up. Phineas was shaking Ferb. "Ferb, it's Christmas eve!"

Ferb yawned.

"Mom's making cookies, Ferb! Do you wanna come help?"

Ferb nodded.

Perry stood up, still a little drowsy. "Where's the fire?" He murmured.

"It's Christmas eve, Perry!"

"I have to wrap things." Perry said, slightly annoyed.

"We'll help you!" Phineas said. "Ferb's a master wrapper."

"It's Christmas, yo!" Ferb said.

"No, Ferb. I meant the other kind of wrapping."

"Ah, right. That is true. I make presents pretty."

"Great. I'll give you guys stuff to wrap, then."

** ...**

"Who's this one for?" Phineas asked.

"Edith the elephant." Perry said. "But don't put that it's from me. It's a secret Santa gift."

"How do you spell Edith?" Phineas asked.

"Does this look good?" Ferb held up Darren's present.

Perry nodded. "Good job."

"How do you spell Edith?" Phineas asked again.

"Hand me the tape." Perry told Ferb.

Ferb passed him the tape.

"E…D…E…T…H…"

Perry looked up from taping his package. "Ack, no no. Phineas, no. Edith with an I."

Phineas crossed out the E and wrote IDETH.

"No… okay, just write To Edie the Elephant."

Phineas nodded, crumpling up the misspelled tag and beginning a new one.

"Who is this to?" Ferb asked.

"Darren the duck."

"With an I or an E?"

"An E."

Perry passed Phineas a book entitled 'The Wonderful World Of Bamboo'. "That's for Peter the panda."

"Peter with an I or an E?"

"What is it with you two and your vowels?"

A Christmas song came blaring out of the radio.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away…"

"How did that person live to sing that song?" Perry asked.

"And why would they give someone their heart?" Phineas added.

"Maybe the other person needed a transplant." Ferb suggested.

"But they gave the heart away the very next day!"

"Maybe they needed some quick cash."

Perry changed the radio station.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…"

"This song makes even less sense. This guy gives his girlfriend random people and animals as Christmas presents. Where does he think she's going to keep twelve drummers?"

"In her garage?" Phineas suggested.

"Hopefully he gave her the receipts." Ferb said.

"All I can say is, that guy's asking for a breakup. I mean, eight maids a-milking? Imagine waking up one morning, going downstairs and seeing these eight random ladies milking cows in your living room. Awkward."

"You know what would be funny?" Phineas asked. "If we replaced all of the song's important words with 'bear'. On the first day of Bear-mas, my true bear gave to me, twelve bears a-drumming, eleven bears piping, ten bears a-leaping, nine bears dancing, eight bears milking, seven bears swimming, six bears a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN BEARS! Four calling bears, three French bears, two turtle bears and a bear in a bear tree!"

"That went a little overbear-d." Perry said.

"It was overbearing." Ferb said.

"I'm embearassed." Phineas said.

"And now," Said the radio. "The famous singer, Kendrine Adems, will recite the story 'The Night Before Christmas'."

"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse!" Kendrine said.

"That story is so overdone." Perry said.

They kept wrapping.

"Then, laying his finger aside of his nose…" Kendrine read.

"Then laying his finger inside of his nose." Ferb said.

Perry and Phineas burst into laughter.

"That's humor." Perry said.

Ferb stuck a bow on the last present. "There. Perry's present to Devon is all wrapped."

"With an E or an I?" Phineas joked.

"Dlevon. With an L." Ferb said.

"I don't get it." Phineas said.


	5. Chapter 5

"You know what the hardest thing to do on Christmas Eve is, Ferb? Fall asleep."

Ferb nodded in agreement.

Perry found falling asleep very hard indeed when Phineas kept talking. He rolled onto his side and gave a sigh.

"Are you excited, Perry?" Phineas asked.

"Of course. I love Christmas. Hopefully Doofenshmirtz won't have cooked up some crazy scheme and I can stay home all day."

"We'd better sleep." Phineas said. "Otherwise Santa won't come."

They fell silent. Perry closed his eyes.

"Armpit." Ferb said matter-of-factly.

Phineas burst into laughter. "Ferb, stop it!"

"Armpits are really quite interesting." Ferb said. "Why do they smell the worst after exercise? Is it because they don't get enough sunlight?"

Perry was tired, Phineas was hysterical, and Ferb wasn't even making any sense. Perry doubted the boys would sleep at all.

Phineas wiped his eyes. "Haaahh…"

"Goodnight, boys." Perry said.

"Night." Phineas said, finally calming down.

Perry had almost drifted off when Ferb began to sing.

"WURNY THE PURR, WURNY THE PURR, TURBY LITTLE CURBY ALL STURFED WITH FLURF…"

Phineas fell apart.

"SURLY WURLY NURLY URLD BURR!" Ferb finished.

"GOODNIGHT, boys." Perry said.

"Goodnight, Perry!" Phineas said.

"Gurdnurt, Purruh!" Ferb said, still on Wurny The Purr mode.

** ...**

_"Thank you for shopping at Jeremy Mart." Jeremy said, putting a warm hand on Perry's back._

_Jeremy was lightly shaking Perry._

"Perry the platypus?"

That didn't sound like Jeremy. Or anyone Perry knew personally.

Perry opened one eye. Light from the hall was dimly visible through the door. A large man was patting Perry.

Perry squinted, and then his eyes widened.

He immediately stood up and smiled.

"Good, you're awake." Santa said. "Listen, I need some help. Something went faulty on my sleigh."

Perry looked toward the boys.

"Don't want them to be tired tomorrow. Come on."

Perry followed Santa outside. Reindeer stood pawing at the ground in front of the sleigh.

Perry stopped. "…Randy?"

Randy the reindeer looked just as surprised to see Perry.

Perry tried hard not to laugh. It was funny to see the stern and serious security agent hitched up to a sleigh with a jingle-bell harness.

Santa pointed at the middle part of the sleigh. "I think the problem's coming from the wood. Possibly termites."

Perry opened up a door in the middle of the sleigh. Sure enough, hundreds of little termites were munching away on the wood.

"Hello." Said one of the termites, hopping over to Perry. "I am Tina the termite."

"You're breaking Santa's sleigh." Said Perry.

"I know you." Said Tina. "I meeted you once. You were the platypus who saved us from the mind-controlling helmets."

Perry vaguely remembered a scheme Doofenshmirtz had once planned that included termites.

"Great. Well, Tina, if you chew through all the wood, Santa won't be able to use his sleigh."

"But I am a termite."

"We've established that. Tina, can you take your colony elsewhere?"

"They are not my colony. They are the king's colony."  
>"May I speak to your king?"<p>

Tina hopped over to another termite.

"Hello." The termite said. "I am Timothy termite."

"Are you the king?"

"Yes."

"Timothy, can you move your colony?"

"Where shall I move them?"

"Uh…" Perry dug around in his pocket and pulled out a couple of candy canes that Devon had given him. "Here. Colonize on these."

Timothy jumped onto one of the candy canes and took a bite. "Hm. Tasty. All right, termites. Let us move."

Perry put the candy canes down, and the termites all leapt onto them.

Slightly disgusted, Perry took a step back. "Thanks… guys."

Santa handed Perry a gift and patted him on the head. "Merry Christmas. And thank you."

** ...**

"It's Christmas, Perry!" Phineas said.

Perry yawned and opened his eyes. He felt very refreshed.

Phineas tossed a pillow at Ferb. "It's Christmas, Ferb!"

"Ert's Chrerstmurs!" Ferb said.

"Let's go wake up Candace!" Phineas said.

Perry shook himself off and went downstairs.

** ...**

Phineas put a present bow on Perry's head.

Perry sneezed.

"I think he likes it." Phineas said. He leaned over and whispered "Thanks for the tool belt" in Perry's ear.

"You're welcome." Perry chattered. "Now please get this bow off my head."

Ferb crashed his new cymbals. "Christmas candy eating time!"

"Yeah!" Said Phineas.

"I'll be right back." Perry said. "I have to go to the O.W.C.A party for at least ten minutes."

** ...**

The O.W.C.A was decorated beautifully, if you ignored the wall where Baby Ned had pasted thousands of pictures of the butt scene from "Fir Trees In France".

"Agent P!" Monogram clapped Perry on the back, startling him a little. "You came! All set for Secret Santa time?"

Someone had given Peter bamboo-flavored tea. Carrie got a book about kittens. Ned got a Barley doll. It was Barley's boyfriend, Kane. Ned immediately showed all the new recruits the butt of his doll.

Edie was very happy with her jumbo-sized bag of peanuts. She ate them all in one sitting.

"This is yours." Carl said, handing Perry a wrapped present. Perry opened it up.

It was a magazine entitled "The Wonderful World Of Pandas." Perry didn't have to think hard to figure out who had gotten it for him.

** ...**

"ONLY 365 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!"

Doofenshmirtz was sitting on the couch, looking completely exhausted. Perry walked up to him.

"I hate this sweater." Doofenshmirtz whimpered. "But it's a long time until my next check from Charlene…"

Perry handed him a thin present. Doofenshmirtz stared at him for a moment before opening it.

"A… free lifetime supply of pancakes at Paul Bunyan's? Perry the platypus, how did you get this?"

Perry smiled. He had entered a contest at Paul Bunyan's long ago and managed to win.

Doofenshmirtz obviously needed the coupon more than he did, though. So Perry had wrapped it up for him.

"Oh, Perry!" Doofenshmirtz squished him into a hug. "Thank you!"

Perry gasped, half from lack of air and half from surprise.

Doofenshmirtz seemed surprised, too. He quickly dropped Perry and brushed himself off. "Ah… yes. I guess I can take off this stupid sweater now."

Perry turned to leave.

"Thank you… so much." Doofenshmirtz said. "Really. You have no idea."

Perry gave him a nod and left.

** ...**

Ferb tossed Perry his new ball, and Perry chased after it, nearly colliding with the boys' present pile.

"What an awesome Christmas." Phineas said. "Did you get everything you wanted, Ferb?"

Ferb shrugged. "More or less. I'm glad Perry likes his toys."

Perry grabbed his ball and shook it in his teeth.

"We should play the new Forest Friendz game you got, Ferb." Phineas said.

"Yeah!" Ferb jumped up. "Come on, Perry!"

Perry trotted after the boys, still holding his ball in his teeth.

"Merry Chrithmath." He said.

"Urnd urr hurpy nur yur." Ferb said.


End file.
